AM Canadian" Rant
Night in Canada
You May Be an Antigonisher
(not our posting... but interesting)
Canada is So Great
Disclaimer: The operator
of this web site realises and understands that there are many nice Americans
just as there are many Canadians who we are not proud of (Does the whole
Nova Scotia Tory government come to mind?) That said, this has been
posted on various internet sites. It wasn't going to be posted it until
the Academy Awards broadcast "Blame Canada". So I hope this doesn't
affend anyone. Now we're even.
Once upon a time in the
Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh
day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to
call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern
Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot
spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there
is a continent of black people,"
God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely
hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land
mass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There's
beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line.
The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous
and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely
sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout
the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give
them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired
and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What about
balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the characters I'm putting next
AM Canadian Rant"
I'm not a lumberjack or a fur trader,
And I don't live in an igloo or eat blubber or own a dog sled,
And I don't know Jimmy, Sally, or Suzie from Canada,
Although I'm certain they're really really nice,
I have a Prime Minister, not a President,
I speak English and French, not American,
And I pronounce it "About", not "Aboot",
I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack,
I believe in peacekeeping, not policing,
Diversity, not assimilation,
And that the beaver is a truly proud and noble animal,
A toque is a hat.
A chesterfield is a couch,
And it is pronounced Zed, not "Zee", Zed.
Canada is the second largest land mass,
The first nation of hockey,
And the best part of North America.
My name is Joe,
And I AM CANADIAN.
YOU MAY BE CANADIAN...
1. You stand in
"line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
2. You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk".
3. You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette,
I just spilled my poutine"
4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
5. You drink pop, not soda.
6. You know what it means to be on 'pogey'.
7. You know that "a mickey" and "2-4's" mean "Party at the camp, eh!!"
8. You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national
9. You can drink legally while still a 'teen.
10. You know that francophones, anglophones and allophones are not electronic
11. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
12. You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap
place to travel to and has good cigars.
13. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix
it instead of telling them to stay out of it.
14. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
15. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
16. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
17. You sit on a couch not a chesterfield - because Chesterfield is
a small town in Quebec.
18. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
19. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
20. You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".
21. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that."
22. You read rather than scanned this list.
SIGNS YOU MAY BE TOO CANADIAN FOR YOUR OWN GOOD ...
1. You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly".
2. You know that the Friendly Giant isn't a vegetable product line.
3. You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group.
4. You remember when Alanis Morisette was "Too Hot To Hold".
5. You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin yet.
6. Your backpack has only one Canadian flag sew-on.
7. Unlike any international assassin/terrorist/spy in the world, you
probably don't have a Canadian passport.
8. You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar
added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
9. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
10. You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.
11. You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.
12. You know what a touque is.
13. You have some memento of Bob and Doug.
14. You admit Rich Little is Canadian and you're glad Jerry Lewis is
15. You know Toronto is not a province.
16. You drink Moosehead beer because of the moose.
17. You believe "the Canadian Conspiracy" should have won an Oscar.
18. You never miss "Coaches Corner".
19. Backbacon is a food group.
20. You laugh at some U.S. citizens' lack of knowledge of Canadian geography,
but you are too polite to correct them.
21. You use a tennis ball more for road hockey than for tennis.